30 Days Had November

Remember that whole 30 day leave idea? I was never sure 30 days would be enough time to rest and recover from what felt like overwhelming fatigue. Turns out I was both right and wrong.

Except for that one week trip to Savannah, I pretty much spent the month of November sleeping. And when I wasn't sleeping, I was lounging in my pajamas. I had envisioned yoga classes and mornings at the gym, but I was so exhausted I could barely make decisions. Aside from weekly therapy, I barely left the house.

I also took the time to really clean all the drama out of my life. People, organizations, volunteer work; if it caused unnecessary drama, I walked away from it. And that decision took me to some unexpected places, but I don't regret it for a moment.

The last week of November was the first time I felt awake, and it would have been my first week back at work. Yes, I felt better, but I hadn't done anything to build myself up again. I was rested, and now I had the energy to leave the house and go to the gym, but I wasn't really better. Not by a long shot.

Now I'm a few weeks into December and I can breathe again. I have a leisurely daily routine that starts at the gym and finishes with whatever errands are needed that day. I've discovered that my identity has always been closely tied with my job, so having no job was terrifying at first. I couldn't figure out who I was. My stop gap solution is to focus on being healthy; mind, body and soul, and see where that takes me.

I don't have a goal, and that's scary, because I'm a goal driven girl. But I am finding a sense of peace in figuring out who I am and what I like to do. I think everyone could benefit from a little more rest and peace in their life.

Bittersweet, No Bullshit

I know when people say bittersweet, they really mean Thank GOD I am gone and don't have to deal with this bullshit anymore. And not that there isn't a certain level of BS in the military contracting world, but this is truly a bittersweet leaving for me. I have never worked with such a solid team of dedicated people who truly care about each other as much as taking care of the soldiers and families we serve. I won't miss the crazy hours or the heart stopping crisis calls, but I will absolutely miss my JSS family! No one but family lets me be my sassy, sarcastic, profane self and still loves me, even on the bad days.

So if you're not tracking, I have officially left my job, after declining the generous leave of absence offered by my contractor. I am taking a season off from work, and will likely start looking again after my 45th birthday in January (!!!!) y'all. We should definitely have a party for that ripe old age. But the party might be in Mexico, too soon to tell. I am taking a week in November to visit Savanna, GA and will obviously blog that trip here. Plus I'm seriously considering a December road trip to visit all my favorite FB animal sanctuaries and rescues. Whatever I decide, I promise to share the journey; the good, bad and ugly parts. ;)

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

The good news is I made this fantastic concoction for lunch and it was delicious. Just an avocado, a hard boiled egg and some cherry tomatoes. Super simple and yummy.

The bad news is I can never buy produce from WalMart again. It's close and convenient to my house, ok? Don't judge me. But a couple months ago I started shopping at Whole Foods because then I don't need to worry about looking for organic and non-GMO because they already did the work for me. The produce is out of this world fresh and mostly local. And now I can't go back to the pathetic WalMart tomatoes from Peru. No contest. Whole Foods wins.

But I wanted to balance out all this fresh new optimism with the ugly truth of my current daily life. I'm not ok. And very small things can still send me into a negative thinking, emotional mess spiral that I let ruin my mood and day. Not fun. But still a good reminder that I am not ok. Even if I have new found hope that a leave of absence will be helpful in the long run, I'm not ok right now. And it will take an active attempt at on-going self-care and life balance before I start to feel ok again. And that's a good thing. But right now, the ugly truth remains: I am not ok.

Note to self: Self-care is important.

See this girl? Dressed like a patriotic Richard Simmons? That's me, the day after I last thought about suicide. July 23, 2017. I know the date because I volunteered at a parade, which is why I'm dressed like this (obviously). The thing is, I haven't thought about suicide since then, but I also haven't really been ok since then. I never made it back to healthy; I just wallowed in this weird phase of not-ok for more than a year.

Sure, I live with depression, but I'm not depressed. Sure, I'm a workaholic and my work is overwhelming, but I'm always overwhelmed. It's my status quo. Sure, I'm not great about self-care, but who has time for that?? I'm busy saving the world and doing the work that no one else really wants to do. Ain't nobody got time for self-care. Except we all know that's a one way ticket to burnout.

It wasn't until I read an article about compassion fatigue that I finally acknowledged there was something wrong with me, and it needed fixing, AND I was going to have to do some work to fix it. So I quit my job. Or at least I tried to quit my job. Because I knew I couldn't recuperate while doing my job, and I thought it was the only way I would be able to find rest and recovery. But thankfully, I was super honest about why I was quitting, and my supervisor really listened to my concerns, and wanted to help. So instead of quitting my job, I agreed to taking a 30-day leave of absence with the goal of rest and rejuvenation.

Now that I have a plan, and a therapist, and the month of November free to focus on wellness, I have more hope and peace than I've had in the past several years! Just having a plan and hope for recovery is huge. Last week, I had no hope for any of that. My work is my mission and I love my soldiers, but I couldn't see any way for me to continue being effective at this job.

So here's the plan! I'm going to blog my way through this wellness recovery plan and share all the stuff I try, and all the things that work, and maybe stuff that doesn't work. Who knows? My first step actually started several weeks ago when I changed my focus on healthy eating. Step two was breaking my weekend down into productive goals easily accomplished. And step three was finding a local therapist who can start seeing me right away. There is more on the horizon; step four is trying a new yoga class. But I'll break these down later and talk more about them individually.

Wish me luck! I am pretty excited about the potential to have new energy and passion for my work at the end of this process. With the goal of continuing the helpful things going forward so I can STAY mentally healthy and STAY focused on mental wellness. It's not a short term goal, people. Mental wellness is a life-long process! I'm going to try really hard not to forget that again. ;)