Break my heart for what breaks yours...

I'm having difficulties finding the "right" words to express this thing I'm feeling, so first I thought, well I'll just come back later when I'm in a better mood, a better place, a better moment, and I can thoughtfully craft an endearing yet powerful message. And then my inner voice laughed maniacally at that, so I decided to just sit down and hammer this out here and now. Because that's what living a brutally honest and painfully transparent life with mental illness is all about. I think.

In case you don't know me well, here's a crash course in Becca. I prefer being a rational, logical person 95% of the time. Ok, maybe more like 99% of the time. It's not that I think emotion is bad, I just think responding to situations emotionally is generally not the best idea. It's not that showing emotion makes me weak, but reacting in a logical manner is generally the stronger and wiser course of action. I certainly have and embrace my emotions, but on my terms and in the privacy of my controlled setting. Showing emotion in front of strangers would be out of the question.

But here's the thing about turning your life over to God. If you're sincere about it, you don't really get to control the pieces He takes and changes. When I said, "I am not my own, Lord!", there was a part of me that maybe didn't think that through logically to where it was headed. Because if I had, it would have been crystal clear. I may have spent years learning how to carefully protect myself from the messy emotions of life, but it only took God a heartbeat to tear that wall down and quite literally, break my heart for what breaks His.

Suicide breaks my heart. Every. Single. Time. Every story I read, every person I hear about, every total stranger lost to suicide, breaks my heart anew each and every time. It's a physical pain in my chest, a personal sense of loss, an often overwhelming sadness for the family left behind, and the pain that brought that person to this place. Every. Single. Time. Doing what I do, and being vocal about what I do, and putting myself out there that this is who I am and I am open to everyone talking to me about suicide, means that I hear about them every day. Break my heart for what breaks yours, indeed.

Sometimes, it's too much. Sometimes I can't handle it. Sometimes I just don't get out of bed. I still battle my own depression, though the good days most often outweigh the bad. But sometimes, I just stay home. And I don't read the news. And I don't answer the phone. And I sit with my dogs in my pajamas and watch The Emperor's New Groove and eat chocolate ice cream with Magic Shell for breakfast. But eventually, I remember who I am, and what I'm good at, and how amazingly blessed I am to be working side by side every day with soldiers who want to make a difference. And eventually I go back to work, and I continue fighting the fight, and sharing my story, and crying in front of total strangers, in hopes that it might help them understand the raw pain behind depression and suicide. Because if I can prevent just one person from taking their own life, and just one family from living that heartache, then I have succeeded. That's what keeps me going.

And also, this face.

Pumpkin Cream Cheese Brownies

I've made these a few times now, but I kept forgetting to take pictures. They are so amazing. I bake them like brownies in a 9"x12" glass pan. The outer bars will be a little more firm and cake like, while the inside bars will be more like gooey brownies. So gooey that you will probably eat them with a fork. You could try cooking it a little longer, but I think the outer edges would come out too dry. As it is, I still end up feeding the very edges to my dogs. They love all things pumpkin and this is one of their favorites. Plus, it's not overly sweet and fairly low in sugar.

I started out with this recipe for Pumpkin Cake with Cream Cheese Swirl and then I veered off and did my own thing. Shocking, I know. Her photos are so pretty and artistic! You're just lucky I remembered to snap a few with my phone. ;) This was purely for me, my roommates, and maybe some co-workers if it lasts until Monday, so I wasn't trying for artistic. With a little effort, you could probably make yours prettier if you tried. Here's my version. All it takes is one bowl and an electric mixer of some sort. I use a cheapy hand-held and it works just fine.

Pumpkin Cream Cheese Brownies

1/2 cup butter (1 stick softened)
2 eggs
1 can pumpkin (not pie filling)
2 tsp vanilla extract/flavoring
2 tbls pumpkin pie spice
1 box yellow cake mix
8 oz fat free cream cheese, softened (or reduced fat, or full fat, your choice)
1/4 cup Vanilla creamer of your choice (I use coconut creamer)

1. Preheat oven to 350 and either spray a 9"x12" pan with cooking spray, line with parchment paper, or butter and flour. I use cooking spray.
2. In a large bowl, cream together butter, eggs, pumpkin and 1 tsp vanilla with an electric mixer. Set beaters aside but don't wash them yet.
3. Across the top of this mixture, sprinkle one tbl of pumpkin pie spice and stir that in.
4. Dump cake mix on top of that and sprinkle the remaining tbl of pumpkin pie spice on top of cake mix, and stir this all in. It should be a moist batter but not runny.
5. Press pumpkin mixture down into the pan.
6. Using the same bowl and electric mixer, cream together cream cheese, vanilla creamer and 1 tsp vanilla extract. Here's where you can get artistic if you want to.
7. You can drop the cream cheese mixture on top of the pumpkin mix and then swirl it around all pretty, or you can spread it across the top and then mix it into the top layer of pumpkin mix. I like to spread and combine it a little into the pumpkin, but it's your choice.
8. Bake at 350 for 30 minutes, turn off the oven and bake for another 10 minutes with the oven off, then remove from oven.
9. Let it cool completely in the pan before you start cutting or it makes a mess. Or, just make a mess and cut immediately, like I do.

Do Hard Things. Be Kind to Yourself. Fake it 'til you Make it.

I'm gonna be brutally honest here. I have no desire to workout right now. None. Zip. Nada. I dread going to the gym just about every day. I'm tired. I still have a 2 hour drive home after I workout. I really just want to go home. My goal right now is just to make it to the gym 6 days a week. If I just show up and do something sweaty, I consider that a win. But my motivation is at an all time low. The beauty of forcing myself to go anyway is that I never regret a workout. But I would damn sure regret it if I didn't go.

Ironically, I am currently making a lot of progress and seeing improvement weekly. I've lost weight, trimmed down some body fat and am really starting to see muscle definition. My healthy eating habits are fantastic, physically I feel great and my self-esteem is through the roof. But I have been in a mental funk for the past month and every day is a chore to drag myself to the gym. Since I live with depression, this is nothing new.

Do hard things. That's one of the life mottos I live by. Just do it anyway. Yes, it's gonna be hard, either mentally or physically. But you will not regret accomplishing something difficult. You will only regret avoiding it. But at the same time, be kind to yourself. I've been eating a strictly healthy, sugar and caffeine free diet for 6 weeks. It was getting boring. I needed a break. I went to the grand opening of a local business and it was catered with some truly beautiful appetizers and desserts. I ate whatever I wanted, as much as I wanted. Cookies, chocolate cheesecake, amazing meatballs, sausage, cheese, pickles. I ate it all and regretted nothing. Ok, I had a sugar high and felt sick to my stomach for several hours after. But I still did an hour of cardio that evening and went right back to my healthy diet the next day. Be kind to yourself.

Fake it 'til you make it. My last tidbit of wisdom for the day. I am totally faking my workouts right now. I'm not feeling it. I don't want to be there. I have an overall plan for the week (6 days of cardio, 5 days of weight sets) but when I get there, I just do whatever feels right for that day. But I know that if I keep faking it, eventually I will start feeling good about it again. I will find my motivation, I will research some interesting article, I will reach a new weight goal and suddenly feel hugely accomplished. I know that will happen. So I just keep faking it, until I make it to that moment. Because I know it's on the horizon somewhere. And I know it will feel freaking amazing when I get there.

Oatmeal Pumpkin Protein Pancakes

1/2 cup canned pumpkin (not pumpkin pie filling)
1/2 c oatmeal of choice (roughly ground)
2 eggs - separated
1 tsp cinnamon
1/4 c Vanilla Coconut Creamer (or creamer or milk of your choice)

Roughly grind oatmeal in a blender, (clean) coffee grinder or food processor. Mix ground oatmeal with cinnamon in small bowl and set aside. Separate eggs and set aside whites. Add pumpkin and creamer to egg yolks and mix together. Pour this mixture into oatmeal and combine. Whip egg whites to stiff peaks and fold into pumpkin mixture. Using a 1/4 c as a scoop, drop mixture onto hot greased pan over med-low heat. Makes about 3 medium sized pancakes that are pretty filling. I can generally only eat 3 and give the rest to my roommate or dogs.

Calorie count for the entire recipe: 424 calories, 13g fat and 20g protein.

I will try to remember to add photos the next time I make this!

This is what managed mental illness looks like.

You may not know this about me, but I live with depression. In my before photo, I was actively depressed and fighting what felt like a losing battle daily. In my after photo, my depression is actively managed on a daily basis. Mental illness is 100% manageable, but you have to make a conscious, daily decision to do so.

When I look in the mirror, or see photos of myself, I don't see what you see. I think it's a minor form of body dysmorphic disorder. My roommate took this After photo; we took about 12 of them and I hated every single one. This was the last one he took and before I had looked at it, he said, Oh this one is perfect, you look great. I didn't, and still don't, agree, but I realize that I will never agree, and so I trusted his opinion and used this photo. When I look at this photo, all I see is huge thighs that need more work. I know this probably isn't accurate, and I have worked hard to adjust my thinking and give myself credit for the hard work I've accomplished. My 2014 resolution was to be kinder to myself.

I've gotten feedback from people who say things like, "You must look in the mirror and have a lot of pride in how you look now." When I look at photos, or see myself in the mirror, I focus on what still needs to be done. The only thing I like about this photo is my arms; I've put a lot of hard work into my upper body and it's still a work in progress, but I am much happier with the results of that hard work. My lower body is an entirely different story that I won't focus on here, because sometimes you need to accentuate the positive, and eliminate the negative.

My depression is managed by a variety of things. Holistic health and fitness is the foundation, from the amount of sleep I get and the volunteer work I do, to healthy eating and a schedule of daily exercise, it all works together to keep me mentally, physically and spiritually healthy. Using my experiences to help others is a huge part of that, and I am a suicide prevention and intervention volunteer who works mainly with soldiers and Veterans. That's what gives me purpose; keeping them healthy and happy is what helps me stay healthy and happy. I consider that a win-win situation. :)